PPPE: You're My One Last Hope (Part Two)

All four of us scream and dive out of the way as the centaur crashes into the staffroom. Laura instantly switches to bodyguard mode and steps in front of Cleo protectively.
“This is our kidnapper? Di, for what it’s worth, I’m sorry about mocking you on the horse – HEY!”

The centaur plucks Laura clean off the floor in one sweep, his gigantic fist wrapped around her waist and legs. Laura kicks and struggles in vain.
“Looks like this must be my lucky day!”
“Put me down, you big lump!” Laura takes a vicious swipe with her skeletal arm but narrowly misses.
“Whoo! I like ‘em fiery!” The centaur leers. Laura now looks like she wants to be sick.

Still, clutching my friend, the beast towers over us; muscles rippling through his broad human half and his equine lower half. How on earth this hulking blue brute got in without so much as a glance, I will never know.

“Time to get what I came for! You,” he gives Cleo a piercing stare, “You’re coming with me.”
Cleo whimpers in fright.

“Not on my watch, Mr Ed!” Laura cries and bites down hard on his hand. The centaur yelps as though he was stung by a wasp, and drops Laura to the ground. Laura quickly gets to her feet and rugby-tackles the centaur, bringing him down to the floor with a smack. Diana, now in her lupine form, leaps into action to aid Laura, taking him down from behind.

The centaur puts up a fight against the two girls, who are throwing punches, grabs and (in Diana’s case) bites. Thinking quickly, I possess a nearby table and yell “DUCK!” Laura and Di obey instantly and before the centaur realises what’s happening, I make sure the table flies straight into his face, knocking him unconscious.

“Hey, nice move, Em.” Di comments, returning to her human-self.
“Quick, we need to tie him up before he comes to.”
“With what?”
“…Wait here,” Cleo says and quickly rushes out of the room, still shaking from the shock of the intrusion. She swiftly returns with some thick rope.

We quickly bind him up, making sure the knots are secure. Once this is done, Diana takes the kettle, and throws whatever’s left inside at the centaur’s face. He wakes up instantly from the shock of the hot liquid. He looks at us one at a time, from me to Laura to Diana to Cleo.
“Woo-wee, now this is more like it! Now who wants to go- OW!” Laura punches him in the face.

“Laura, not necessary.” I say firmly, although I will admit I would have done the same thing. “We need him conscious.” I then get straight down to business and stand above him, arms folded.
“State your name.”
“Nessus.” The centaur mutters, keeping one too many eyes on my legs.
“OK, then, Nessus. Because I’m a nice person, I’m going to give you the chance to confess and come with us quietly. Where are the nymphs?”
“Nice?” He looks at me sharply. “You threw a damn table in my face!”
“The lady asked you a question, asshole.” Laura threatens.
“Where are the nymphs?” I ask again.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The centaur grunts.

“Well, I think my friend says otherwise…Laura,” I nod at her, who grabs and pulls back his arm a little more fiercely than necessary.
Nessus cries out. “Ow! Hey, you’re strong. I like that in a woman – OUCH!” He is shut up with another well-deserved punch in the face.
“I’m going to ask you again. Where are the nymphs?”

“I have no idea! All I was told was to bring the last one whilst they got the other one.” He looks at Cleo as he says this.
“Wait…whose they?”
“These two little imps. They called saying it was an emergency.”

Laura and Diana look at me. My heart sinks. If it’s who I think it is…
“What did the two imps look like?”
“Well, there’s a fat pink one and a skinny little blue shrimp-”
“Pain and Panic.”
“Those two little henchmen of Hades?” Laura frowns.
“Hades?!” Cleo’s face darkens. “What’s he planning?”

“I’m sure it’s not so bad,” I stutter, “I-I mean, him and Zeus called a truce centuries back. I mean I know they’re still not on speaking terms but-“
“Emily, sweet,” Laura says, “Hades is not to be trusted. Hey, don’t look at me like that; it’s not just Hades. All of the Presidents are corrupt in some shape or form. Di, back me up here, you know more about this than I do.”
“Laura’s right.” Diana agrees, “I don’t think there is a single President who is a fully honest ruler. I mean, Lucious and Azzie aren’t exactly perfect and they’re not that nice to their subjects but I just tend to let it slide.”
“The sex makes it easier to forget, I’ll bet.” Laura jokes.
“You got it.”
Cleo’s jaw drops. “Y-You and Lucious…and Asmodeus?! …Wow. I knew their sex life was colourful but…wow.”

“Hey, am I good to go or what?!” We had completely forgotten about Nessus.
“Well, no.” I answer. “You’ll be turned in for attempted kidnapping but I think the sentence will be softened because of the circumstances.”
The centaur smiles nastily. “You’re a good girl, sweetheart. Perhaps, you can come and see me in prison some time.” He clicks his tongue suggestively.

I almost gag. He’s reminding me too much of Sid. “Sorry but quadrupeds aren’t my type.”
Just at this point, Will kicks the already open door open and aims his gun, Wesley close behind.
“We saw you getting attacked on the CCTV! We came as fast as we…oh.” Will lowers his gun when he sees we are all fine.
“It’s OK, Will, it’s all taken care of.”
“So…Clip-Clop here’s our kidnapper?” Wesley asks.

“Well…yes and no.” I respond. “We’ll explain everything once we’ve taken him to the police.”

Spike comes in, panting like a wounded dog. “This place is *pant* so big.” He wheezes. “Did we need *gasp* to go so fast?”
“I think the wrong person signed up for the induction.” Wesley gripes. “Either that or quit smoking…or ideally both.”
“Bite me.”

“Right, OK,” I say, “Now, we’re all here, time for a plan of action. Cleo; I want you to let Phil know what’s happening, and make sure the rest of the staff are aware of the situation.”
“OK.”
“Wes, Spike and Laura will take our kidnapper to the station. Laura; you have my full permission to slap any of them silly if they start bickering or, in Spike’s case, tries anything on. Same applies to Nessus.”

“What about us?” Will asks before Laura and Wesley can moan about being left alone with Spike.
“We’re going to pay Hades a little visit.”

***

“Hey, Emily, sugar, this is a nice…” Hades stops when he sees Will and Diana follow in behind. “And Diana, my little foxglove. Looking foxy as always.”
“Save it, Hades.” Di waves away his comment casually.

“We have to talk.” I interject flatly before he gets Will’s name wrong again.
“Can it wait, babe? I’m busy. Well, I’m the Lord of the Dead; I’m always busy.”

“But this is urgent! We’re here on business!” I snap. “We need to ask you some questions…oh yes, and I need Pain and Panic present.”
“Ooh hey, someone’s gotten a little cold. But fine, fine, whatever you want. Pain! Panic!”

A few minutes later, the two demons stumble in, tripping over each other before they finally salute to Hades chorusing “Reporting for duty!”
“Fine, fine, fine,” Hades says wearily, “OK, babe, shoot.”

The two demons spin around and wave sheepishly. “Oh hey, Emily. How’s it going?”
“Very well, thank you.” I say as sweetly as possible. I personally don’t mind the two demons but business is business. “How are you?”
“Oh we’re fine. Fine. Fit as fiddles.” Panic says.
“That’s wonderful. Been up to much recently?” Behind the demons, Hades looks both impatient and confused.
“I thought you said this was urgent, not some mother’s meeting.” He mutters.
“Oh, the usual,” Pain says.
“Oh, the usual, eh? So kidnapping nymphs is the usual, is it?”

Both demons bite their lowers lips.
“Uh…not exactly, well, you see, the thing is…” Pain begins to weave a string of excuses whilst Panic, true to his name, begins to hyperventilate.
“Oh stop babbling!” I interrupt sharply. “And for goodness’ sake, Panic, no one’s going to hurt you! We just need to know-“

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, time out,” Hades interjects, making his hands into a T, “Sweetheart, what’s got your ecto in a plasm?”
“We’ve received a call that working nymphs have been going missing from the Elysium Gym. And a source that shall remain anonymous has informed us that your two minions are behind the kidnapping. Care to explain?”

“Listen, babe, as shocking as this may sound, I couldn’t give two corpses about nymphs. I only hired Pain and Panic out as a favour.”
“…Hired out?” Will asks.
“That’s right, Waldo,” Hades confirms. “Look, if I wanted to sabotage Hercules’ pathetic little career, I would have done it centuries ago with a much better, more emotionally and psychologically destructive scheme.”
“So, whose been using Pain and Panic?”
“Wait, wait, let me guess,” Diana interrupts, “The smell of nicotine and cologne, pretty petite females going missing…it was Zaebos, right?”

Hades claps sarcastically. “Very well done, and you’re not even the detective! Y’know, Lucious is lucky to have a clever dame like you.”
“So what does Zaebos want with the- wait, don’t answer that,” Diana grimaces.

“So why are you wasting your time with me? You should be playing detective at his place!”
“Well, Hades, sorry for wasting your time. Now we better go and talk to Zaebos.” I shudder disdainfully.

“Wait,” Will blurts before we leave, “What I don’t understand is why Pain and Panic got someone else to capture the last two nymphs?”
Hades piques to interest here. “Excuse me?”
“Uh-oh…” Pain and Panic begin to sneak away backwards until Hades stops them with a wall of fire.
“Boys. Would like to enlighten me as to why you didn’t fulfil your job that I specifically recommended you to?”
“Uh, well, you see,” Pain bumbles, “We kinda almost got caught with one of the nymphs. And well, we knew that centaurs are pretty good at abducting people, especially girls, so well, we…”

“That explains a lot.” Will says. He turns to me and mutters. “Now let’s go before Hades goes volcano on us.”

As soon as we board the boat with Charon, we see giant streams of red flames erupt from Hades’ room. I would hate to be Pain and Panic in the morning.